Book Recommendation: Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Parenting is the hardest and most rewarding thing I've done in my life. And although there might not be a "one-size-fits-all" manual for the best way to raise each particular child, this book comes as close to that as you can get. Even as someone trained in mental health and therapy modalities, prior to reading this book, I had not been exposed to these concepts applied to parenting.

I used to think in more reward and consequence terms. If my child engaged in "bad" behaviors such as yelling, hitting, throwing, name-calling, or the quintessential, "no" when they were told to do something, I thought it was my job to implement an immediate consequence and "not permit" or "stop" the behavior. Until I realized that the disconnection of the consequence and the stalemate of a power struggle were not only not working to curb the behaviors, but at a deeper level, they were backfiring. Disconnection, harshness, and strict punishments or consequences often lead to shame. Internalized shame fuels further disconnection, destructive behaviors, and other mental health concerns.

"CONNECTION FIRST," a core tenet of the book, has revolutionized my parenting and my own healing process. Now I have been given permission to tune into my child first, describe their behavior and inquire about and validate their emotions, STILL SET THE BOUNDARY, remind them they are a good kid and I love them, and more often than not, once they've settled down, the interactions end in a hug. Children need to feel safe and connected to learn. In reflecting on their behavior with them, once regulation has been restored, and couching the conversation in messages of their inherent goodness (GOOD INSIDE), my children receive the gift of the space to see how emotions and dysregulation drive their own behavior without being shamed. These are hard skills for adults to learn (regulation, examining our own behavior without self-shaming or inflated defensiveness, loving accountability).

Any parent, expecting parent, grandparent, family member, caretaker, teacher, coach, counselor, or anyone who has children in their life, as well as every other human who wants to reflect on their own childhood and human relationships and psychology in general, can benefit from reading (or listening to, like I do!) to this book. Thank you, Dr. Becky, for the gift this book!!! So many adults and children will have better connection, healing, and improved mental health because of your encouragement.